Musings on Control and Letting Go.

This morning I tried to pray. But then I realized I had been in prayer non-stop all morning. And what I was doing was more a religious practice based upon my own sense of internal moralism. It was about being in control of my moral direction and future.

I wonder if Jesus was more interested in us authentically than he was us in us through religious piety. I wonder if he was more interested in experiencing oneness with him and the Father, oneness with each other, justice, mercy, forgiveness, and unconditional enemy love. I wonder if really, this is true prayer. True worship. True devotion.

There is a lot more here right beneath the surface. There is probably a future post psychoanalyzing the development of my prayer life and tendencies to be controlling. But for now I’m letting go. I am going to focus on what God is naturally giving and breathing out in every moment. I am going to assume that anything I would want to accomplish morally or spiritually has already been done for me in love.

And in that, I am going to assume that all I need is to be. Fully human. Like Jesus. And I wonder if I will continue to be aware of just how often I am in prayer. How often the Divine in speaking. How often our relationship is found in everything everywhere. And how often everything is actually just fine in me.

I want to focus on what God brings to the relationship. I think this is a much better place to start than my personal spiritual disciplines, no matter how well they’ve worked before. What if I’ve been looking for God inside my religiosity (prayer, mediation, ministry etc.) and actually it’s been painfully available without cost all around me this whole time?

More to come soon. For now, this is all my young soul can sip on.

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